In loving memory...

Dave

Today marks a very sad day in my life & the life of my family. Five years ago today my brother-in-law, Dave died at the age of 40. For over 3 years he struggled to beat Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. Unfortunately, the cancer was just too aggressive & he couldn't fight it any more. 5 years seems like such a long time, yet at the same time, it feels just like yesterday.

Below is a journal entry I made 2 years ago. It still makes me cry every time I read it.

April 27, 2004

Three years ago today was the saddest & most surreal day of my life. I woke up at my usual time to get ready for work... walked downstairs into the kitchen & started to fix myself a bowl of cereal. A minute later my dad walked into the kitchen & said "David is dead. He died about an hour ago." Then he walked out of the kitchen & back to his bedroom. No hug, no "everything is going to be ok", no nothing. I stood there by the kitchen counter... bowl full of cereal... jug of milk in my hand... & I couldn't move. I thought to myself, "Did he really just say what I think he said?" I could hardly believe my ears. It was so surreal. But it was true... after 3 long years of fighting cancer, Dave was dead at the age of 40. He died in the arms of his wife, in his own bedroom, overlooking the bay where he sailed so often, watching the sun rise.

David J. Mulford was my brother-in-law. But he was so much more than that. He was my brother... period. He was the most perfect addition to our family. I met him when he was 23 & I was 12. Other than my brother Dan, Dave was the only person in my family to never treat me like a kid... even when I was one. He genuinely wanted to know about my life, the way I felt about things, what made me happy. He taught me how to sail & how to appreciate the wonderful little things life had to offer. He always believed in me. Even though he was a grown up, he was always still a kid a heart. He never forgot how to have fun, and whenever possible, he included me in it all. He also helped bridge the gap between me & my sister. Some of my favorite simple memories involve Dave...

• Christmas time w/ a house full of family & the 2 of us lying on the inflatable mattress upstairs w/ a big bowl of popcorn, watching the Godfather 1 & 2 (NEVER the 3rd one!) back to back.
• The look on Dave's face when my mom would bake.
• Playing video games with him for hours.
• Fun & silly phone calls on my birthday (actually, the last time I talked to him was on my 30th birthday, just a few weeks before he died).
• The summer after I graduated high school spent in Long Island learning how to sail... & many summers after that spent out on the water w/ him & my sister.

God... so many memories. They're all flooding back.

I still remember the day we all found out he had cancer. He'd gone to the doctor because of persistent back ache. X-rays showed it was a tumor that was wrapped around his spine. He was in surgery that very same day. It was mind boggling how fast it all went. Suddenly he was in for so many more tests, MRI's, & who knows what other types of scans. They found over 20 tumors throughout his body, in all his lymph nodes & stomach. He was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma & his prognosis was not very good. He underwent immediate radiation therapy, which helped reduce several tumors in size. He was also able to get in on the very beginnings of new drug therapy. It helped give him 3 more years of life. 3 more years with my sister... 3 more years with our family & his family. In that time, my sister gave birth to their 1 & only child, Christopher. He got to see Christopher born, take his 1st steps, speak his 1st words, & take his 1st trip on the boat.

I remember the last time I saw Dave. It was the fall of 2000. He could still walk, he still had all of his hair, he could still eat without getting sick, & still had his wonderful sense of humor. It was also the day he started his 1st round of chemotherapy (his last resort in his eyes). From that day on... things never got any better. Things just got worse. I never saw him when he lost all the weight, when he lost all his hair, when he could no longer walk, & no longer keep any food down, when he was hooked up to so many different machines & monitors. Sometimes I think of that as a blessing... other times as a curse. It was almost like if I didn't see it, then it couldn't really happen. He would forever be that happy, healthy man in my mind. Even though I knew he was going to die soon, that nothing could be done... to actually hear those words "David is dead" came as such a surprise.

I'd never had anyone close to me die before, so I'd never been to a funeral before. When I saw Dave in the casket at his memorial service, I hardly recognized him. He was so thin & frail, yet looked like he was simply sleeping. He looked like he did whenever he napped on the couch... wearing his favorite jeans, t-shirt, sweatshirt, & baseball hat, & wearing his glasses. Next to him was Redford's favorite fetch ball, & Christopher's favorite book that he read to him every night. I found myself wanting Dave to wake up & tell me it was all just a dream. That's when it finally sunk in. He was really gone. That's when I finally lost it... when I finally broke down & really, REALLY cried.

Sometimes this all feels like it was so long ago... yet like it was yesterday at the same time. Sometimes I even forget that he's gone. I'll see something or hear about something & think, "Dave would get such a kick out of this. I should call him or send him an e-mail", or I'll walk into his house & expect to hear him coming down stairs to greet me w/ one of his trademark hugs. It's cruel how your mind can do a thing like that to you. I wonder if it will ever get any easier?

Tonight I'm going to go home & look through old pictures & drink a toast to Dave. He brought such love, laughter & joy to my life & to the life of everyone that knew him. Something like that should be celebrated.

Dave was my reason for joining Team in Training. When I ran the Alaska marathon last year, he was right there with me, right on my back, in the form of a laminated photograph, as well as in my heart. He will be there with me again as I run the Rock & Roll Marathon in San Diego in 5 weeks. He will always be there with me. His memory keeps me running. He is why I am raising money for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. So if you could, please help me & go to my fundraising website & make a donation. Thanks.

Bigger surprise!

I love it when I see that I have new e-mail & in the subject line it says "Donation Confirmation". A smile comes across my face & I get so excited as I open the e-mail... wondering who it is from & how much the donation may be.

Today I received one of those e-mails.

As I read the name of the donator, at first I thought it was just some random person. My friends forward my fundraising e-mails to their friends, so it's not uncommon for me to get a donation from some random stranger here & there. However, a second or 2 later, I realized it was actually from the mother of a good friend. I've only met this woman about 4 or 5 times in the 4 years I've known this particular friend, so I was touched that she would make a donation. As I quickly read the amount of the donation, I thought "Awwww... How sweet! She gave me $100."

Then I looked at the amount again.

It was $1000!!!

My bottom jaw practically hit the floor & I almost fell out of my chair. I thought for sure I was missing a decimal point somewhere, but nope. That was really the amount! I was blown. away. Never in a million years would I thought that a single person would give me such a large donation. I am continually amazed by the compassion & generocity of people. It gives me hope.

Surprise!

So, remember how a while back I said I wanted to lose around 35-40 lbs. before my 35th birthday? Well, thanks to injury & lack of real exercise, I only got as far as about 25-30 lbs total (& this is from about Oct/Nov when I made the goal). However, tonight I weighed myself & I've lost about 5 lbs. since my birthday (I say "about" because my scale kept going back & forth between 3 numbers so I took the average). Of course I wish it were more, but it was still a nice surprise none the less (especially since I weighed myself after I ate a big bowl of pasta & some Ben & Jerry's ice cream... so bad, yet so good). GO ME!! :)

I was also pretty excited to find out that there is a "Sports & Fitness" category on my cable "On Demand". There are TONS of different workouts, including yoga, dance, sculpt & tone (abs/buns/etc.), Tai Chi, pilates, kick-boxing, & even HULA! This excites me like I couldn't believe. It'll be great cross-training & a cool alternative to running in the heat. And better yet... it's FREE!! :)

Time for bed. The Benadryl has kicked in (I still have the rash on my feet) & I'm sleeeeeeeepy.

But before I go... CONGRATULATIONS to my coach Ginny, who completed the London marathon this weekend in 5:09:39. And GOOD LUCK to Erica in Nashville this weekend at the Country Music Marathon.

The things I go through for a good cause...

This is what running in heat does to me. The pic doesn't really do it justice. It looks much worse in person. And it's not just on my feet. Oh no. It goes up my legs to about my knees, then shows up again on my chest & upper arms. Sexy, no? And people wonder why I don't have a boyfriend. ;)

What a difference a week makes

It's amazing how different a person can feel in the course of a week. Last weekend I had an abundance of energy & did over 18 miles like it was nothing. I was sore for a bit afterwards, but nothing unbearable & I went through the week relatively pain free. The only real problem I had was a huge blood blister under my right big toe-nail. It was killing me on Sunday, but felt better by Tuesday practice & I was able to run with no problem. However, by Thursday it hurt too much to even put a shoe on. I've had to drain it every day since. (Gross!)

Today I got up just after 4:00 am & got to practice just after 5:00 where I met up w/ my mentee Carmen & we got on our way. Today's route was about 13.5 miles but you would've thought we'd done a full 26.2. Neither one of us had any energy at all & we were both cranky as hell. We were walking like we were just strolling through the mall so I turned on my interval timer & started running. About 7 miles in, the ball of my left foot was KILLING me & my toes kept cramping up. The same thing was happening with Carmen. Every step hurt more than the last & it just made us more cranky. (Btw... normally I don't really like to run with anyone because I just get irritated but I LOVE running w/ Carmen. She's just like me & doesn't give a rats ass if I start bitching & cussing. In fact, she joins right in. But at the same time, we're both great motivators for each other. It's been a nice change of pace training with her.)

It took us what seemed like FOR-EV-ER to finish & by the time we did finish, practically every single part of my body (as well as Carmen's) hurt & I was (& still am) covered head to toe with an ugly, nasty rash. As I sit here right now my lower back is absolutely killing me & I am trying desperately not to scratch my rash.

UGH!!!

I know it's just one bad week, but it's still SO discouraging.

I'm kinda glad I'm going out of town next weekend. There's no way I'm ready for 20 miles.

*sigh*

Where did THAT come from?

I don't know where it came from, but man oh MAN! I seemed to have an almost unlimited supply of energy today!

Going into my run today I was not optimistic at all. Thanks to a sick puppy barfing all over my bedroom floor at 12:38 am I got very little sleep. When my alarm went off at 4:30 I almost fell right back to sleep. I dragged myself out of bed & tried to eat a Balance bar but after 1 tiny bite, it hurt my jaws way too much. I grabbed a pack of peanut butter crackers & ate those along w/ about a 1/2 can of a protein shake. I filled my little pack w/ 2 more packs of crackers, 2 power gels, & some Cliff bloks, figuring I'd need plenty to keep me going. I really didn't know how I was going to make it.

I got to the park at 5:30, ate 3 more crackers & a cup of Gatorade & was off by about 5:40. I started out w/ my mentee, Carmen & Coach Ginny & I felt like crap. We went out of the park long & by the time we got to Memorial I was starting to feel better. By the time I got to the 1st waterstop at Waugh I was feeling great. I had a sudden burst of energy & didn't even stop to get water. (I had my fuel belt on anyway.) We made our way up Waugh, past I-10 to Heights & up Heights. We stopped at the next waterstop around 11th St. & took a power gel, 3 more crackers & slugged down some water. I felt absolutely FANTASTIC! I wasn't tired at all & not a single part of my body hurt. I was amazed!

After our quick little pit stop, we made our way up to 20th & turned around. When we got back to the water stop I kept on going while the others stopped. I was feeling like Super Woman! By the time we got back to Memorial, I'd gone about 12 miles & was ready for more. The girls behind me were having a hard time keeping up with me! I could hear them talking & wondering just what the hell I was on. I was unstoppable!

As we made our way down Allen Parkway towards downtown, the sun came out a little, but I still felt great. We stopped at the next waterstop at Eleanor Tinsley Park & I had another power gel, 3 more crackers & gulped more water (I'd been drinking Gatorade from belt). By this point, Ginny was done & stayed behind, as did Adrienne. Apparently everyone else who'd made it that far had petered out by that point & went back to the park. I was still feeling great & didn't want to dilly dally so Carmen, Carissa & I headed out again to the GRB. Coach Bill picked up where Ginny left off & walked with us the rest of the way. We'd made it almost all the way to the GRB before I had any problems. I started to get small cramps in the arch of my left foot, but it would go away when I stretched it. It kept cramping up for about the next mile or 2 then finally stopped.

When we got back to the waterstop at ET Park, I was still feeling pretty good. One of my teammates, Susan had been sitting there for a while & suddenly started to get sick. She instantly turned a frightening shade of pale & got super dizzy. She was dehydrated & her blood sugar was low. I gave her the rest of my crackers to eat & we got her some Gatorade. When she started to feel better we left her w/ Ginny & Anne & made our way back to Memorial Park. About a 1/2 mile into it, my left butt cheek & hamstring started cramping up on me something fierce. I stopped at a bridge & stretched it out & it felt much better, but still bothered me the rest of the way back in.

With about 2 miles to go, my energy started fading fast & I slowed down significantly. The clouds were fading, the sun was coming out in full force & I could feel blisters forming on my right heel. I was SO glad when I saw the entrance to the park & I could finally stop. In all, my time wasn't what I would have liked it to be (5 hrs 42 mins) but considering I didn't run at all & considering I hadn't worked out in 2 weeks, I'm still pretty pleased. And I actually still feel pretty damn good. I was stiff & sore after breakfast but after an ice bath, a warm shower, & some stretches, I felt TONS better.

Hopefully my health will continue to improve & by race day, I'll be able to maintain my normal 15:30 pace for a good portion of the race. If I can do that, then I'm pretty confident I'll be able to meet all the time cut-offs & make my goal... to finish the race in 7 hrs 30 mins. (That would beat my last marathon time by a little over an hour.) I know the race has an "official" time limit of 7 hours, but hopefully they won't pull me off the course.

Eeek! I can't believe there's less than 2 months to go! I hope I'll be ready.

My kingdom for a real meal!!

This whole not being able to eat real solid foods thing is getting VERY old. Why did I let that dentist pull my teeth out?

*sigh*

Because of all these holes in my mouth I can't eat properly which means I'm not getting the proper nutrition. Every single tooth in my head just hurts too much. I went to Tuesday night track practice this week & barely had the energy to do a slow jog. I don't know how in the world I'm going to do 18 miles on Saturday. I figure I can make it through at least 12 & then I'll just go from there & see how I feel. But I have a feeling I'll stop at 12.

*sigh*

Stupid dentist!

Stupid uber-sensative teeth!

It's official!

I just received the following email:

Rock 'n' Roll Marathoner!

It is our pleasure to confirm your entry into the 2006 Rock 'n' Roll
Marathon. Race Day will be here before you know it, so don't wait to
finalize your travel plans or recruit your friends and family to run with
you!

Please visit the link below to access a printable Race Information
document containing important event details and travel tips that will
help you get the most out of your Marathon experience.

Race information link.

You will receive Final Information along with your confirmation card by
mail in mid-May.

See you in San Diego!

So there you have it. It's official! There's no turning back now!

Losing wisdom

Well, I'm back from having my last 3 wisdom teeth pulled & let me tell you... that was NOT fun. That was MISERABLE!!! The upper right tooth was a piece of cake. Absolutely no pain & it came out bing, bam, boom. The bottom teeth? TOTALLY different story. The left one hurt when he started so he gave me more novacaine & went to the right one. It did NOT want to come out. He had to drill it a little & then it broke in 1/2 when he tried to pull it. It was wedged in there pretty good. When it finally came out, he called for help because I think it was bleeding real bad. He kept asking for "super suction". I think it broke into a few tiny pieces as well & he was trying to get them out of the back of my throat.

After he got the right teeth out, he went back to the left one. No pain finally, but again, it just did NOT want to come out. He drilled it & finally it came out, but it, too broke & the big part of my tooth got lodged in the back of my throat. I panicked at 1st because I was choking. I knew panicking wasn't going to help me so I calmed down & allowed him to work to get it out of my throat. After what seemed like an eternity (which I'm sure was really all of about 5 seconds) he got it out. *whew!*

Oh & did I mention that in the middle of all of this, the fire alarm started going off in the building & fire trucks pulled up outside?

Good times.

My poor mom was sitting in the waiting room & said she could hear me wimpering & gagging. She said she was SO nervous & worried about me. When I came out my hands were shaking like you wouldn't believe. I could barely sign the credit card receipt. Almost immediately my right jaw was hurting. I just know that once all this novacaine wears off (I swear he gave me about 40 shots) I just know I'm going to be in agony. I took a Vicodin as soon as I got to the dentist's office & I can feel it finally kicking in (my adrenaline stopped it from really working in the beginning). You can bet your booty I am going to keep myself heavily medicated for the rest of the weekend.

Ugh. This sucks. But I am SOOOOOOOOOO glad it's over. The rest should be a walk in the park (I have a few more fillings to get done).

Speaking of walking in the park, according to the after care instructions I received, I am to "remain quiet for 24-48 hours. Avoid strenuous exercise, work, and running for the next few days." Honestly, the being quiet part will be harder than the no running part. LOL!

Hmmmm... is it time for another Vicodin yet?

Time flies

I'm 35 years old now. Wow. How did that happen? I certainly don't feel 35. Not that I really know what 35 is supposed to feel like. I just feel like I should still be in my 20's... at least in my mind. However, my body is definitely 35. It seems like every new day brings a new ache or pain. Woo-hoo for aging!!!

So here's how my birthday week went:

Seeing as I could not eat solid foods & was in a Vicodin induced haze for about 2 days, I did no exercise whatsoever Wed/Thu/Fri. Friday night Adrienne & I went to the Astros exhibition game w/ 2 of her friends. Our seats were fabulous (5 rows behind the Astros dugout) & a good time was had by all. We even got to see a guy 2 rows in front of us propose to his girlfriend on the giant screen (we got a bit misty over that). We fully intended on going home immediately after the game so we could be up & at the park by 5:45 to run 14 miles. However, it didn't exactly work out that way. We ran into a friend of Adrienne's at the ball park & decided to join him & his 2 buddies for a drink at the Bus. "We'll only stay 20 minutes."

Uh-huh.

20 minutes turned into 2 hours, & after those 2 hours, the Bus turned into Taco Milagro, but it was closing so we ended up at the cigar bar next door. A little after midnight one of the guys stood up & announced to the bar that it was now officially my birthday & they all began to sing "Happy Birthday" to me. Next thing I know, a waitress is putting a lovely slice of the yummiest cheesecake EVER in front of me. It was a great surprise.

I didn't get home until after 1:30 & couldn't get to sleep until after 2:00. BUT I STILL SET MY ALARM FOR PRACTICE!!! (cuz I'm just that dedicated)

My alarm went off at 5:30. I turned it off. I went back to sleep. (are you shocked???)

I woke up on my own around 7:45/8:00 & felt really guilty about skipping out on practice so I got myself dressed & did about 8 miles around my neighborhood & Rice. It was a HARD 8 miles, but I still felt good for doing it. And despite my lack of decent sleep, I made pretty good time. Not my fastest, but still faster than I anticipated. Go me! I actually intended on doing a 3rd loop around Rice, but I'd forgotten to put Body Glide under my arms & I was chaffing like a mo-fo! YEEEOOOOWWW!! 3 more miles & those babies would've been bloody & I had a party to go to that night & I'll be damned if I was gonna have bloody arms to go along w/ my hot outfit! ;) Anyhoo... I came home to find several voice mails & text messages from friends... some accusing me of being too hung over to come to practice (I will have you know that I only had TWO drinks the night before) but the most were just people wishing me a happy birthday.

Saturday night I went to my birthday party that was thrown for me by my good friend, Van. It was simple & sweet... good friends, good food, good drink (good GOD there was a lot of that!), & good times. Just what I wanted. My running buddy Carissa made me the coolest. cake. EVER! It was a perfect re-creation of the San Diego Marathon finishers medal! (Click here for pictures!) I was blown away & SO touched. I really have a great group of friends. Oh & I must say, I was quite impressed with the fact that of all my friends that came to my party, it was the RUNNERS that stayed til the bitter end, while the rest petered out early in the game. Awesome. :)

The majority of Sunday was spent sleeping off the night before, then around 3 I went to my mom's house to bake a bunch of goodies for the bake sale I had on Tuesday. My mom was awesome & baked a ton of stuff before I even got there & then I baked a bunch of cookies. After work Monday I baked a few more goodies, printed out a ton of flyers for our Crawfish Boil on May 13, printed out a ton of flyers about why I'm with TNT with a link to my website, printed out a ton of raffle tickets, & made a poster for the bake sale. I didn't get to bed until 2 am.

Tuesday was the bake sale at the UT Medical School. I only had help for about 20 minutes, then I manned the tables alone for the rest of the day. In 4 hours I sold $335 worth of baked goods. Not a bad haul. I was bummed that I only sold 4 raffle tickets. I sold dozens last year. Oh well. I packed a bunch of the leftover baked goods into the trunk of my car & went to practice. After an hour of stretching, walking lunges, butt kicks, galloping & ladders (30 secs run/1 min walk/1 min run/1 min. walk/1:30 run/1:00 walk/2:00 run/1:00 walk & back again) I announced to the group that I had a trunk full of baked goods for sale. I made $40. Awesome.

Then, as I was standing next to my car talking w/ some of the girls, stretching a bit, I suddenly felt a shooting pain in my ankle. I couldn't flex it at all. I went home & iced it for about 20 minutes but it didn't make any difference. The ankle never swelled, but ever since then, my ankle "pops" with every step, & about every 10-20 steps, a super sharp pain comes with the "pop". It was feeling better today. In fact, there was hardly any pain at all, but once I got home from work & tried to power walk, the pain came right back & now there's a little swelling. There's also a purple "dot" immediately to the left of the ankle bone. I don't know if I popped a vessel or what but if it's not better by Monday, I'll be off to the doctor.

Just what I need... another doctor bill.

Tomorrow morning I go in to have my last 3 wisdom teeth pulled. What fun!!!

So far being 35 hasn't exactly been a day at the beach. Here's hoping the rest of the year gets better.