So close, yet so far away

3:50 am.

That's what time my alarm went off yesterday morning. I was ready for it. I'd been preparing for this day. This would be the day that I would know if I was really up to it... if I could really make it.

I got out of bed, took the dog out, made my trademark "distance day breakfast" (raspberries & strawberries blended with raspberry yogurt & OJ, plus a power bar), put in my contacts, put on my running gear, grabbed my fuel belt & was off to the park by 4:45. When I got there, the 1st coach was arriving & setting things up for the big run.

21.8 miles.

Soon 2 other coaches showed up, along w/ 2 other teammates. The 3 of us would be the only walkers that day & we wanted a head start. We got some last minute instructions from our coach about the route we were to take & we were off by 5:15. We were ready. We were charged. We were gonna make it! Things started off great.

We went out of the park "long" (about 3 miles) & once out of the park & onto the main road, we started our "system"... walk fast for 50 paces, then jog for 50 paces. We do that about 3 or 4 times, then rest (ie: walk slowly) for 50 paces before starting it over again. It was going great for the 1st 10 miles, but by about mile 12 the heat of the sun started to get to me & I could no longer keep up with the girls. I told them to go on without me & I then went at my own pace. I just didn't have the energy to jog any more. But I was still feeling pretty good & was still able to keep up a good walking pace, so I didn't feel so bad. I was greatful I'd been able to keep up with the girls as long as I had & was able to cut off so much time in my run/walk.

I kept plugging along.

Thankfully clouds began to appear & held the sun at bay for a little while. However, the heat & humidity was still there. At every water stop, I would pour glasses of ice cold water over my head to cool myself off & I kept drinking water & gatorade to keep me hydrated. (I was also silently thanking the coaches for choosing a well shaded route.)

I was still plugging along.

It helped that I would run into other teammates, who would cheer me on & give me that extra little boost. But soon... there were no other runners. It was just me... all alone. I got the 2nd to last water station & they were already closing up shop. There was only enough water for about a 1/2 glass & I chugged that. My own water bottles were practically empty & I still had about 4-5 miles left to go. But I kept telling myself, "I can do this. I CAN DO THIS!"

So I kept plugging along.

My feet were starting to hurt & my left calf was on fire. But I wasn't going to let it stop me. I had to finish. I just kept thinking about that next water station... "He said he had popsicles. Oh dear GOD, I hope he still has popsicles!"

But the heat was really getting to me. I was so, so tired... & I was alone. Then suddenly I heard footsteps behind me. It was Ellie, another runner/walker from another team. She was even further behind than I was, but she was still so cheery & kept telling me "you're almost there! The next station isn't too far away!" It was a nice little push that I needed... but then she ran off... & I was alone again.

And it just got hotter & hotter.

I was so close to tears so many times in those last few miles, but I kept holding it together. I hurt with every step & I was begging for that last water station to show up like a mirage in the desert.

Finally... I rounded a corner & in the distance there it was. And it wasn't a mirage. At that point I began to ran. The coach from the Sugarland team began to walk towards me with his arms open wide. When I got to him, I fell into his arms & began to cry. He had a towel soaked in ice water & put it around my neck. It was the best feeling in the world. I told him I was overheating & he led me to the shade where I collapsed on the grass. I couldn't even make it to the chair 2 feet away. He & another woman manning the station quickly grabbed lots of towels & covered them with ice water & put them all over my body. They also poured glasses of ice water over me, put ice on my wrists, neck & behind my knees & gave me lots of ice cold gatorade & water to drink.

And then he said the most wonderful words I'd ever heard... "Would you like a popsicle?"

And let me tell you... that was the BEST damn popsicle I have EVER had in my entire life!!!

A few minutes later my coach drove up & saw what happened.

"That's it. You're coming back to the park with me!"

As much as I still wanted to continue on, I couldn't argue with her. Hell I couldn't even stand up. She said "don't worry... it will be ok in Alaska. It won't be nearly this hot there. You'll do fine. And you did great today. It's only 2 miles back to the park."

"Only" 2 miles.

So close, yet so far away.

I was the only teammate to not finish. Only nobody else knew that, because my coach let me off about 1/8 of a mile away from the finish line so I could run in to all the fan-fare.

When I got out of her car & began walking that last 1/8 of a mile, I felt SO dizzy & could barely walk, but I forced myself to go on. As I got closer to the finish line, I could see the big purple TNT tent set up, with all the balloons & all the teammates from all around the city laughing & have a good time. Suddenly they saw me... & they all began to yell my name & cheer me on. As I waited for the cars to move along so I could cross the street, the cheering became louder. As I crossed the street, one of the coaches from another team came up to me & told me to save my energy & not run until I got to the beginning of the banners. When I got to the 1st set of banners, I began to ran. The crowd cheered & clapped louder & I felt the tears welling up inside of me. They were all so proud of me.

And it was all a lie.

The whole time I was at the park "celebrating" with everyone, I felt like a failure & a liar.

I know that walking/running 19.8 miles is no small task, & that I should be so incredibly proud of that achievement, but I still felt like a failure. I'd let myself down. Hell, 2 weeks ago I did 18 miles (which, I found out later, actually turned out to be closer to 19 miles). I was only attempting 3 extra miles. It shouldn't have been that hard. If I can't do 21.8 miles, what makes me think I can do 26.2?

When I got home, I could barely move. I was still hot & I was covered head to toe in hives. I turned on the water in the tub & took an ice cold bath. When it came time to turn on the hot water to take a shower... I couldn't get up. There I was... sitting in an empty tub... & I could not get up. I turned on the shower & cried. It was at least 30 minutes before I could muster up the strength to get up. And still I cried. I must've stayed in that shower for another 30 minutes. When I got out, I put on a t-shirt & made myself a bowl of cereal (I had no energy to make anything else). Then passed out on the couch, where I slept for about 5 hours.

About 3 hours after I woke up from my nap, I went to bed & slept for another 9 hours.

An entire Saturday & I was pretty much useless.

Yet there is still a part of me that thinks I can still do the full marathon. I keep telling myself that it will be easier there. There will be thousands of people there cheering me on, my adrenaline will be pumping, it will be about 25º colder there, & the scenery will inspire me to keep going.

Yup. I am the eternal optimist.

Either that or I'm just crazy.