So close, yet so far away

3:50 am.

That's what time my alarm went off yesterday morning. I was ready for it. I'd been preparing for this day. This would be the day that I would know if I was really up to it... if I could really make it.

I got out of bed, took the dog out, made my trademark "distance day breakfast" (raspberries & strawberries blended with raspberry yogurt & OJ, plus a power bar), put in my contacts, put on my running gear, grabbed my fuel belt & was off to the park by 4:45. When I got there, the 1st coach was arriving & setting things up for the big run.

21.8 miles.

Soon 2 other coaches showed up, along w/ 2 other teammates. The 3 of us would be the only walkers that day & we wanted a head start. We got some last minute instructions from our coach about the route we were to take & we were off by 5:15. We were ready. We were charged. We were gonna make it! Things started off great.

We went out of the park "long" (about 3 miles) & once out of the park & onto the main road, we started our "system"... walk fast for 50 paces, then jog for 50 paces. We do that about 3 or 4 times, then rest (ie: walk slowly) for 50 paces before starting it over again. It was going great for the 1st 10 miles, but by about mile 12 the heat of the sun started to get to me & I could no longer keep up with the girls. I told them to go on without me & I then went at my own pace. I just didn't have the energy to jog any more. But I was still feeling pretty good & was still able to keep up a good walking pace, so I didn't feel so bad. I was greatful I'd been able to keep up with the girls as long as I had & was able to cut off so much time in my run/walk.

I kept plugging along.

Thankfully clouds began to appear & held the sun at bay for a little while. However, the heat & humidity was still there. At every water stop, I would pour glasses of ice cold water over my head to cool myself off & I kept drinking water & gatorade to keep me hydrated. (I was also silently thanking the coaches for choosing a well shaded route.)

I was still plugging along.

It helped that I would run into other teammates, who would cheer me on & give me that extra little boost. But soon... there were no other runners. It was just me... all alone. I got the 2nd to last water station & they were already closing up shop. There was only enough water for about a 1/2 glass & I chugged that. My own water bottles were practically empty & I still had about 4-5 miles left to go. But I kept telling myself, "I can do this. I CAN DO THIS!"

So I kept plugging along.

My feet were starting to hurt & my left calf was on fire. But I wasn't going to let it stop me. I had to finish. I just kept thinking about that next water station... "He said he had popsicles. Oh dear GOD, I hope he still has popsicles!"

But the heat was really getting to me. I was so, so tired... & I was alone. Then suddenly I heard footsteps behind me. It was Ellie, another runner/walker from another team. She was even further behind than I was, but she was still so cheery & kept telling me "you're almost there! The next station isn't too far away!" It was a nice little push that I needed... but then she ran off... & I was alone again.

And it just got hotter & hotter.

I was so close to tears so many times in those last few miles, but I kept holding it together. I hurt with every step & I was begging for that last water station to show up like a mirage in the desert.

Finally... I rounded a corner & in the distance there it was. And it wasn't a mirage. At that point I began to ran. The coach from the Sugarland team began to walk towards me with his arms open wide. When I got to him, I fell into his arms & began to cry. He had a towel soaked in ice water & put it around my neck. It was the best feeling in the world. I told him I was overheating & he led me to the shade where I collapsed on the grass. I couldn't even make it to the chair 2 feet away. He & another woman manning the station quickly grabbed lots of towels & covered them with ice water & put them all over my body. They also poured glasses of ice water over me, put ice on my wrists, neck & behind my knees & gave me lots of ice cold gatorade & water to drink.

And then he said the most wonderful words I'd ever heard... "Would you like a popsicle?"

And let me tell you... that was the BEST damn popsicle I have EVER had in my entire life!!!

A few minutes later my coach drove up & saw what happened.

"That's it. You're coming back to the park with me!"

As much as I still wanted to continue on, I couldn't argue with her. Hell I couldn't even stand up. She said "don't worry... it will be ok in Alaska. It won't be nearly this hot there. You'll do fine. And you did great today. It's only 2 miles back to the park."

"Only" 2 miles.

So close, yet so far away.

I was the only teammate to not finish. Only nobody else knew that, because my coach let me off about 1/8 of a mile away from the finish line so I could run in to all the fan-fare.

When I got out of her car & began walking that last 1/8 of a mile, I felt SO dizzy & could barely walk, but I forced myself to go on. As I got closer to the finish line, I could see the big purple TNT tent set up, with all the balloons & all the teammates from all around the city laughing & have a good time. Suddenly they saw me... & they all began to yell my name & cheer me on. As I waited for the cars to move along so I could cross the street, the cheering became louder. As I crossed the street, one of the coaches from another team came up to me & told me to save my energy & not run until I got to the beginning of the banners. When I got to the 1st set of banners, I began to ran. The crowd cheered & clapped louder & I felt the tears welling up inside of me. They were all so proud of me.

And it was all a lie.

The whole time I was at the park "celebrating" with everyone, I felt like a failure & a liar.

I know that walking/running 19.8 miles is no small task, & that I should be so incredibly proud of that achievement, but I still felt like a failure. I'd let myself down. Hell, 2 weeks ago I did 18 miles (which, I found out later, actually turned out to be closer to 19 miles). I was only attempting 3 extra miles. It shouldn't have been that hard. If I can't do 21.8 miles, what makes me think I can do 26.2?

When I got home, I could barely move. I was still hot & I was covered head to toe in hives. I turned on the water in the tub & took an ice cold bath. When it came time to turn on the hot water to take a shower... I couldn't get up. There I was... sitting in an empty tub... & I could not get up. I turned on the shower & cried. It was at least 30 minutes before I could muster up the strength to get up. And still I cried. I must've stayed in that shower for another 30 minutes. When I got out, I put on a t-shirt & made myself a bowl of cereal (I had no energy to make anything else). Then passed out on the couch, where I slept for about 5 hours.

About 3 hours after I woke up from my nap, I went to bed & slept for another 9 hours.

An entire Saturday & I was pretty much useless.

Yet there is still a part of me that thinks I can still do the full marathon. I keep telling myself that it will be easier there. There will be thousands of people there cheering me on, my adrenaline will be pumping, it will be about 25º colder there, & the scenery will inspire me to keep going.

Yup. I am the eternal optimist.

Either that or I'm just crazy.

I hate humidity

It sucks the life right out of me.

I was all psyched to run over to the park & run up & down the ampitheater hill at Miller Outdoor Theater, but once I actually stepped outside & felt that humidity smack me in the face like a wet sponge, I felt all the energy drain from my body. I still went & ran, but man oh MAN was it hard. I could barely get my feet off the ground. It also didn't help that my right knee (the one I majorly fucked up at Evan's wedding last year) was hurting. And did I mention that I'm majorly PMS'ing right now? So in case you were wondering...

heat + humidity + breaking in new shoes + only 4.5 hrs. of sleep last night + 8 hours at work + lots of mosquitos + pain in both knees + intermittant rain + PMS = BAD work-out & a desire to consume an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy. (thankfully I don't have any in my freezer at the moment!)

At least I had good music playing. (John Butler Trio will definitely get you in the mood to work out... especially their set from last year's Austin City Limits Music Festival. I defy anyone to listen to that show & stand still!)

Please oh PLEASE let an artic front come through Friday night so I can be somewhat cool & energized for the 21 mile run on Saturday.

In somewhat related news... Active Team Force deodorant by Adidas is amazing! I don't know what the hell is in this stuff or how it works, but after running for 45 minutes tonight in all that heat & humidity I hardly smell at all. I love it!!

Wow. This was probably the most boring post ever.

Oh well.

Random acts of kindness...

Maybe it's all the stress I've been under at work/home/training/fundraising, or maybe it's just PMS, but the random act of kindness I received from a total stranger today actually brought a tear to my eye. It started with a random donation, which was so awesome, but wasn't what really got to me. It was the email I received from that person today. I honestly never expected to hear from her. I figured she happened upon my site by accident/random coincidence, made a donation, then went off into the sunset. When I saw her email today, it meant more to me than the donation.

Turns out she did some fundraising a while back for the Breast Cancer Walk & she remembered how incredibly hard it was to raise the money. But she said the thing she remembered most about that experience were the random acts of kindness... from people she never expected, or didn't even know.

She is SO right.

The training has been the easiest part of this whole thing. I know I can walk. I know I can run. But I honestly didn't know if I could raise all that money. About a week ago, I still needed over $2000. Today I only need about $900... & there are still more donations to come. I really think I'm going to make it!

It's really going to happen.

I'm really going to Alaska.

And dammit... I WILL do all 26.2 miles. I have to. I don't care if it takes me 9 hours. I am going to cross that finish line & I will know that I made a difference in this world. And I will do it knowing that I never would have been able to make it if it hadn't been for the support of SO many people... people I love... people I don't like... people I don't even know! People all over Texas... people all over the United States & Canada... even people in Australia!

And I will have the time of my life.

Thank you. Thank you to ALL of you.

You give me joy.

You give me hope.

Crossing the finish line...

Here I am crossing the finish line after 18 miles. (That's Evan in the background. He was SUCH a trooper!)



And here is my loverly "battle scar". Trust me... the photo doesn't do it justice. It looked (& hurt) even worse the next day. In fact, today it hurts like a sonofabitch! OUCH!!

Blood, sweat & tears

I wasn't sure if I could do it, but...

6 hours
7 blisters
& one MASSIVELY scraped up knee later

I DID IT!!!

18 miles.

Let me say that again...

18 miles!!!!

At one point, my coach, thinking I was only doing 10.2 miles asked me how far I was going.

"18"

"Why???"

"Because I want to!"

And that was that.

Never mind that as soon as I got to the park, I fell & ripped my knee to shreds. I wasn't going to let that stop me. We quickly washed it off w/ some alcohol & betadyne wipes & slathered on some vaseline to keep it from scabbing over & I was off. It was my battle scar & I wore it proudly. At every water station, I'd simply wipe off the blood that was dripping down my leg & continue on.

For about the 1st 10-12 miles, I was doing great. I had lots of energy & was jazzed. Around mile 13/14 is when I really started feeling that sun beaming down on me & those blisters starting to form on my feet. But I kept going. I knew I was in the home stretch & with every painful step, I felt more & more of an accomplishment. That last mile was the hardest, but knowing there would be people waiting for me at the end of the finish line, cheering for me, & the fact that my good friend Evan was there by my side, gave me that last push I needed to get it done.

We came running into the park, down a path flanked by TNT banners, streamers, & balloons, the "Rocky" theme song blaring from the stereo, & a group of coaches, mentors, & teammates clapping & cheering us across the finish line.

It was a great feeling.

I am more exhausted than I have ever been, but I am SO damn proud of myself.

GO ME!! :)

Quick Update

Well, the BBQ is a no go. The place needs 10 weeks advance notice!! Fuck!!!

Looks like it's just gonna be a simple little bake sale. I'll be lucky if I make $200.

I am SOOOOO screwed. :(

By request

Long time no write, eh? My apologies. Let's see... what's been going on?

Well, the training is still going pretty well. After my back went out, I didn't work out for almost 2 weeks. It actually felt good to get back into the swing of things. My 1st practice back was a Tuesday & we happened to do speed trials. We went to the track & my coach had me do 1 lap as fast as I could. If it took me 3 minutes to do a lap, then I rested for 3 minutes. Then I'd do another lap as fast as I could, rested, & so on. After 4 reps my coach would look at her stop watch & go "hmmmmm." I asked her what was wrong & she said that my time was exactly the same each time. I thought that was bad... that maybe I was supposed to get faster. But she said "No! Normally people get slower with each rep. The fact that you're staying at the same pace is GREAT!" Last weekend I did almost 11 miles in about 2-1/2 hours. She was really impressed with that!

To me, it was so easy. Yes, I was tired afterwards, but it was nothing compared to previous weeks. I wanted to do 18 miles like the full marathoners, but my coach wouldn't let me. She doesn't want me to risk hurting my back again. I'm sort of glad she's like that, but at the same time, I want a challenge. The 1/2 marathon distances only get as high as about 11/12 miles. I can DO that... easily. The farthest I've gone before is 15 miles. Granted, I got hurt 2 days later, but I'm better now & want to see how much further I can go. I think that's why I liked the work-out 3 weeks ago so much. It had TONS of hills. I was tackling them like a mad woman. One of my teammates even commented to me on it later that week, saying how impressed he was at how well I took the hills. It was just such a nice change of pace, & it felt good to use those different muscles. (plus, Alaska is hilly, so I need the practice!)

I guess maybe I just feel like I should be working harder. 13.1 miles doesn't seem like that much any more. Yet 26.2 seems so far. I know if I were to attempt the full marathon in Alaska, that I might not finish, especially given the terrain & the altitude. Not finishing is NOT an option. My coach thinks I can finish the 13.1 in about 3 hours & wants me to try to improve on my time. But for whatever reason, I feel like I should be out there longer. Maybe it's because of who this is all for... for the cancer patients. I feel like I should be working harder & longer because they can't be out there themselves. Who knows?

All this working out may be for nothing anyway. I'm still about $2400 short of my fundraising goal. The official cut-off date for fundraising is this Tuesday. If I don't have all the money raised, I have to pay the difference out of my own pocket. If I can't pay the difference, I can't go to Alaska.

I don't have $2400.

Hell, I barely have $400.

I can only hope & pray that the rumors I've heard are true... that TNT & the LLS won't actually try to charge me the difference until a month after the race (which, if I paid any money out of pocket, would've been the deadline for re-imbursement.) If that's not the case, then I am fucked, & all this work will have been for nothing.

In the mean time, I am trying to plan a fundraiser at work. I already have permission from the Medical School & an official sponsor, but I still need to find the food. I'm hoping I can get this particular local BBQ place to donate the food, but I fear that when they hear the # of people attending (over 2oo) that they will say it's too many. But if I can get them do agree to donate the food, then I can make up to about $1200 in 1 day. It's still not everything I need, but it would definitely help.

*sigh*

I hate feeling like I'm going to fail.