Long time no see

Last night I got back from a 4 day vacation in Charlottesville, VA. It was great fun. My friends are awesome & I laughed so. damn. much with them. I met some new friends & also got to see old friends I hadn't seen in years. I even saw Sissy Spacek at a local greasy spoon & talked to her husband. How random is that? The whole weekend was much needed.

The one down side was my back. It bothered me the entire trip (I blame the super tiny & EXTREMELY uncomfortable plane that was trapped in for 3 hours on my way to DC). I tried not to let it ruin my time & for the most part, I was successful, but there were a few times when the pain got pretty bad & made for not so fun times (like when I was at the Dave Matthews Band concerts Friday & Saturday night & couldn't dance my ass off like I normally would & actually had to sit down several times because the pain was too much). But other than that & a minor car accident Sunday morning before heading home, the trip was awesome. My friends & I are hoping to make this an annual trip.

Unfortunately all the traveling did a number on me & by the time I got home, the pain in my back was much worse (my whole right side is constantly throbbing & sitting & walking hurt. I ended up staying home from work today because the pain was just too much. I rested the entire day & constantly put ice packs on it to help with the pain. It's still pretty painful right now, but I guess I just have to grin & bare it.

I'm ready for this pain to be over & done for good!!

Same ole, same ole

Nothing really new to report. I'm still plucking along. I had a minor set back the other day when I slipped & jerked my back. Thankfully ice, rest & a visit to the chiro did the trick for the most part. I've been having pain in my right side consistantly now for at least a week, some days worse than others. Just when I think I'm almost all better, something happens to prove me wrong. It's very frustrating. I just want to be back to being able to do what I used to. Plus, I really want to start working out again. As soon as I get the ok from the dr. I think I'm going to start working with a personal trainer. I need to get a lot stronger & lose some weight & I don't see me doing this alone. Since I've been back to work I've been eating better & lost a little bit of the weight that I had gained back when I was totally out of commission, but I really need to be working out in order to do any real good. And let me tell you, that pool walking is SOOOOOOO boring. It was fine at first but now.... *snore*. I can't stand it. I miss being out there with my friends. I feel like I'm missing out on so much & I don't really fit in any more since I can't do the things they can do.

*sigh*

Is it any wonder why I'm feeling so depressed these days?

9/11 (+1)

I know I'm a day late with this post, but oh well.

September 11, 2001:

I was working the early shift at my old job & my boss & I were the only ones in the office when he received a phone call. I remember him yelling "HOLY SHIT!!! ARE YOU SHITTING ME??" & then he yelled out to me "Terrorists just flew 2 planes into the World Trade Center!!" We ran into the kitchen where we had a small tv w/ rabbit ears & we turned it on to whatever channel had the least snow in the picture. We couldn't believe our eyes. They replayed the footage of the 2nd plane flying into tower 2 & I was speechless. I immediately thought of my brother, Mike who worked in Manhattan. I knew some times if he was running late, he'd take the subway to the World Trade Center & change trains there in order to get to work on time. I was hoping & praying that he wasn't running late that day. I tried to call him, but of course all the lines were down. I called my parents & they'd already tried to call him, with the same results. When the towers fell I burst into tears. I was panicked the whole rest of the day until I finally heard from my mom that afternoon that Mike was ok.

I spent the rest majority of the work day & the whole rest of the night glued to the tv. I couldn't not watch. And I couldn't stop crying. I cried for days & days & even today, every time I see those towers fall, I still cry. I will never be able to wrap my head around the supposed reason why people could do such an incredibly horrible thing. I don't want to understand.

New York City has always held a special place in my heart. Below is a journal entry I made a few years ago about my last visit before the attacks:

When I was a kid living in New Jersey, every once in a while, my family would make the trek into New York City. I remember going to see the Statue of Liberty & my parents making us all walk up the steps to the top. I remember going to the observation deck of the Empire State Building & also into the World Trade Center Twin Towers to look out onto the city. However, during all the times I've visited New York City as an adult, I'd never really done any of the the touristy things while there. This year, however, was going to be different.

It was my 1st trip back to NY since being there for the funeral of my BIL a few months back & I was determined to make this trip a fun one. After spending a few days in Long Island visiting my sister & her son, I took the train into the city to visit my brother, Mike. Normally we'd end up going to the Tckts booth in the World Trade Center to see if we could score some decent tickets to a Broadway show. However, we decided this time it would be fun to be "tourists" for once, so Mike bought us tickets for the 2 hour circle line Harbor Lights Evening Cruise around Manhattan. It was a drizzly rainy day in NYC & this was supposed to be a sunset cruise around the city. By the time we got to the peir, the rain had stopped & were on our way to see the city in all its glory. As we pulled out of the dock we passed the Twin Towers. I quickly took a photo of them & then handed my camera to Mike to take photo of me with the towers directly behind me.

Even though it was a bit too cloudy for a sunset, the city was still so beautiful. As it got dark out, all the lights of the city became alive & it took my breath away. We listened to the tour guide over the PA system talk about the history of the city, the buildings, the bridges, & the people of New York. After the 1st hour of the tour, the boat turned around at the Statue of Liberty & headed back to the peir. Since there was nothing new for the guide to say, they simply pumped jazz music through the PA as Mike & I stood on the very back of the boat, looking out at the Statue of Liberty & that beautiful city. As we neared closer to the end of our tour, we came face to face w/ the Twin Towers again. By then, the clouds were slowly dissapating & the moon was rising directly over the towers. With the jazz music playing in the background, the lights of the city, and that beautiful moon, I felt like I was in the middle of Woody Allen film. Despite being a little wet, it was perfect. We disembarked from the boat & walked around the city a little before stopping at this wonderful Italian restaurant for dinner. Mike & I talked & laughed & had a wonderful time. I was so happy. After all the years Mike & I fought as kids, I loved that we could now enjoy each other's company so much & have days like this. It was my favorite trip to NYC so far. I couldn't wait to come back. I'd taken at least a dozen photos on that circle line tour alone, but the only 2 that came out were the ones of the World Trade Center Twin Towers.

3 weeks after those photos were taken, the Twin Towers were gone & thousands of people lost their lives in the attacks of September 11, 2001. I stood in the tiny kitchen by my office & watched in disbelief as terrorists flew 2 airplanes into the buildings & I watched them fall like a house of cards.

How could this be? I was just there.

I cried for days & days & I mourned the losses this country endured.

But I also considered myself blessed. I got to see those buildings one last time, up close & personal. I got to experience New York City... all of it... the people, the life, the magic that is that city... in all its glory. I will never forget that wonderful day in August of 2001.

Ever since then, those 2 photos have hung on my wall as a constant reminder of how fragile life is.

(Unfortunately I lost the disc that had the original photos on it so these are photos of the photos on my wall.)

Feeling Blue

Last Saturday & this morning I went to help out the Fall TNT group by manning a few water stops. It was the first time I'd been back with the group since July 22. While it was so great to hang out with the gang again, it's just not the same as being out there with them. It made me very depressed.

I miss running. I miss it A LOT.

I sat there & watched all those people out there running & it just made my heart sink. With the start of marathon season, the city was packed with runners & I wanted SO badly to be out there with them. If you'd told me 2 years ago that I'd be feeling this way about running, I'd have said you were a f'ing loon. But here I am.

I HATE that I'm in this situation & I HATE knowing that the longer I'm away from it all, the harder it's going to be to get back into it. I made so much progress over the last year & now it's all gone to shit. I'm losing muscle tone & gaining weight & I'm angry a lot more than I used to be. I guess I never realized how much running helped calm & center me. It was a great outlet for my anger & frustrations & now that I don't have that any more, the feelings are intensifying.

The good news is that I'm getting better every single day. But for me it's not enough. My doctor keeps telling me "baby steps, Erin. Baby steps."

Fuck baby steps! I want to run dammit!!!! >:(