Time for a change

Saturday I began my 1st duties as a mentor with Team in Training by attending an information/recruitment meeting. It went great... we had a big turn-out. As the meeting began, I sat outside at the registration table where I chatted with my friend & fellow TNT teammate, Erica. About midway through the meeting, my coach Ginny came out to tell me they were starting the video & asked if I wanted to watch it, which indeed I did. I figured this time around, since I now knew my sister was in the video, that I would be fine... that no tears would be shed.

I was wrong.

As soon as I saw Sheila holding her son & heard her talking about how when she 1st started training, she couldn't get on her bike without crying, & they showed the picture of her husband with his son, I felt that lump in my throat getting bigger & bigger. As she continued to talk, a few small tears fell down my cheek. One of the coaches standing next to me reached over & put her arm around me & rubbed my shoulder. As I looked over at the other coaches I saw that they were all looking at me. They all knew.

It's been 4 years since Dave died & it's still so hard for me. I can only imagine what its like for my sister. I wonder if it will ever get better.

After the video was done, I thought that would be the end of my crying for the day.

I was wrong.

Since I was outside when the meeting started, I had missed all the things that had been discussed inside, so it wasn't until after the video that I learned the sad news... Tim Dedman, a very good friend of my friends & teammates, Dave & Michelle, and our honored patient... had lost his battle with Leukemia & died at the age of 29. Even though I knew he wasn't going to survive, & even though I knew that things had gotten much worse for him by the time of the marathon (June 18), the news of his death still came as quite a shock. His funeral was that very same day.

I didn't want to think about it. It was just too sad. So I was happy when I got the phone call from a friend & was invited to a Comets basketball game that afternoon. It was a nice 3 hour distraction. But upon returning home, I had to face the facts. Tim was dead. I spent the rest of the evening going through his wife's journal entries & crying my eyes out. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose the love of my life like that. I still don't know how my sister goes on. The human spirit is an amazing thing. And lately, my spirit seems to be fading.

I feel like I've just been going through the motions. Sure, I'll have a good day here & there, but they are way too short & too far between. The rest of the time I keep wondering what my life is really all about & what will become of me.

I need a change. I think that's why I'm so excited about being a mentor with Team in Training. I wish I could describe the way it makes me feel. When I'm with these people, I truly feel like I belong & like I'm really making a difference in this world & in the lives of other people. I went to another recruitment meeting last night & got to see even more of my friends, including Michelle (who I hadn't seen since I left Alaska). This time I was inside & got to hear everyone speak, including my honored patient, 9 year old John Purtee & his dad. (The kid is gonna be a lady killer, I'm telling ya! He had all of us ladies swooning over him at the end. LOL!) It was so wonderful to see all these new people become so touched by what they saw & heard... touched so much that they forked over their $75 & signed up right on the spot. Some of these people will be my mentees. I can't wait to get started!

I knew that when I joined this group that it would change my life, but I had no clue it would make me feel this way. This has effected me so much, that I have decided to take a risk...

I am applying for a job as the campaign manager for the Texas Gulf Coast Chapter of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society & Team in Training. It just so happens that the current campaign manager is moving to California in 2 months, so they need a replacement. Tomorrow I will submit my resume to the local office & hope & pray that they want to at least interview me. The pay is about the same as I'm making now, & I'm not exactly sure about the benefits, but the benefit to my soul, should I actually get the job, would be tremendous. This is a job that I can see myself loving... one where I would welcome the start of the day & not want to crawl back under the covers as the alarm goes off. One where I can make a true, honest difference in the world & not just cater to some egotistical narcissist.

Plus, I'd get to go to Hawaii in December. ;-)

I have no idea if this will actually work out, but I have to at least try. Something has got to change. It seems fairly certain that it won't be my love life, but maybe, just maybe it will be my work life.